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a thousand years of Joy.

backwardslight
Date: 2011-02-28 12:30
Subject: clean heads
Security: Public
Tags:jonah, noah
noah, post-haircut

jonah, post-haircut


the boys asked for buzz cuts last night....

i only cried a little.
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-02-11 14:42
Subject: eastern orthodox.
Security: Public
Tags:home, spiritual life
icon wall in the living room
(icon wall in the living room)
kitchen prayer nook
(my little prayer nook in the kitchen)


matthew & i have been flirting with eastern orthodoxy for years, & now we are finally starting to go to an eastern orthodox church.
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-01-21 22:48
Subject: grace
Security: Public
Tags:2011, spiritual direction
grace is: the snow, how it fell & fell in big, beautiful clumps, like white peonies falling from the sky, while i tried not to hold my breath. a room full of others, each one holding the space while i tried not to weep the entire way through a story that isn't someone elses, but my own. a husband taking time off to watch the children while i pursue the stirring in my belly that won't let me rest until i say yes. a warm bed with two soft pillows, the walls angled in. the top floor so close to the heavy moon hanging over the heavy snow. the ease after the Spirit filling my heart to overflowing, the clarity that comes with silence. the laughter that spills out once the hardest parts are shared. the desire for open ears, open hands, open hearts, open eyes. how the white,white snow washes every stain away. a touchable grace.
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-01-19 23:33
Subject: holding the space.
Security: Public
Tags:2011
when my grandmother was dying, it was my job to hold the space. i was the one that kept people focused on What Was Going On in the room; this wasn't a time for idle chatter & listening to the news. this was a time to Be With our loved one, to sit with her, to stroke her hair, to let her know that It Was Okay, that all was well, that we loved her. it was to allow the sacredness of the moment enter our own hearts & souls. & when that final moment came, i was at my grandmother's side, and i kissed her face what felt like a million times. & i'll tell you that i saw her glow, but you may laugh at that. but i saw her soul leave her body & nothing comes close to that moment, aside from the births of my children.

& those births; when their souls left my body, how i shook! how could my body Not React to such a pure, beautiful, perfect little child leaving my body? how sacred i held each of my pregnancies; i knew & really Felt the significance of housing another soul. i cherished each day, because we do not Know that we will have the next together.

& so now, as a doula, my duty is to hold the space. to protect the sacredness of the moment in the room, in all our hearts & minds. to gently remind the mother of her own amazing strength & power. to meet the mother wherever she is & to help her get to where she wants to be. to help her, no matter what the outcome, to have a positive, life-affirming birth experience.

i am honored to know the mothers that i do whose births did not result in the all-too-often-taken-for-granted happy ending. i have learned so much through their strength, wisdom & ability to Keep Going.

their experiences, wisdom & strength help me be a better person, a more thoughtful doula, a more grateful mother, a more loving wife.

i am forever grateful.

& now as i embark on learning the art of spiritual direction, all i can think about is how maybe God created me to be a space-holder, a gatekeeper, a companion of women through life & death. an advocate for the holy ordinary, for the moments that you never see, never feel, if you keep your eyes closed too long. a voice to whisper in your ear affirmations of Life, whether in life or in death.
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-01-15 09:31
Subject: the daily.
Security: Public
Tags:2011
i am trying to learn to be joyful when im cleaning the toilet, when im wiping the puke from the floor for the fifth time when we are all suffering from that dreaded stomach virus At The Same Time, when a frustrated five year old is in my face telling me exactly what he thinks of a situation, when a three year old wakes the 8 month old Just as she was falling asleep to nap, when i have less than 3 hours of sleep & a full day plus work ahead of me, when trying to figure out our homeschooling rhythm for next fall, when reading books that are dense but for a class, a gift, i have chosen to be a part of, when my hair keeps falling out & with those last 10 pounds of pregnancy weight that seem to be going nowhere (oh how different my body is this time, having had two boys before. ruby's womb-time seems to have changed me so much, physically!)

true joy. not the gritting-you-teeth-holding-your-tongue-fighting-back-tears-of-frustration joy, but joy that all these things are done in service. that None of these things -- my husband, my precious children, my home, my Life -- are mine. they are all God's.

& it is a constant work, a constant practice, a constant learning to let go, to not think for a minute i have a hold of anything.

just a vessel, hopefully a Light.
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-01-14 12:13
Subject: also
Security: Public
also, i am doing this, beginning next week.

http://sustainablefaith.com/school
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-01-14 08:58
Subject: grace, part 1.
Security: Public
Tags:grace
a typical night in our home goes something like this: i leave for work at 430, (not every night, but three of the five weeknights) -- matthew is home with the littles doing dinner, baths, all the fun stuff before bed, and gets them all in bed & asleep by 730 or 8 pm. i get home about 10:45pm, just in time to nurse a waking ruby & she likes to always hang out til midnight or so. then i go to bed, usually to wake around 1 with a boy that needs a drink or to pee or Something. ruby nurses again around 2. around 330 or 4 she wakes again, this time only wanting daddy & a bottle. (working so many nights in a row she so totally loves a bottle more than nursing; it's such a strange thing to me but! whatever. grace.peace.) i wake matthew & hand ruby over. usually i go to the bathroom & am then greeting by the lightest sleeper ever, noah, who insists on staying up for the day, but im usually able to get him to go back to bed until at least 5. sometimes 6! if we are lucky. (& he will wake at this hour whether he's in bed asleep at 730 or 1030 --trust me, we've tried the later bedtimes!) matthew hands me ruby back around 5 or 530, depending on when he has to leave for work. she's up for the day. a few minutes after matthew leaves, the boys trickle in. i ask God to order the day before me before my feet touch the ground again, and i ask for a soft heart.

& then i get a big cup of coffee.




i was always a sleeper. before i had noah i would sleep til noon, if i had a closing shift at work. i thrive on 8-10 hours of sleep a night. & sometimes, when i am trying to deal with something heavy or working on something within myself or under a lot of stress, i need to sleep even More. it's just how i process things, it's not an avoidance. i often wake up with a solution. anyhow, what i'm getting at is Grace. because it's only Grace that somehow allows me to function every day on very little sleep. i can't even say that most days i feel tired. sure, it's hard to Get Going. & i've been known to Just Fall Asleep. but truly? every day i feel like i've had the better part of 8 hours of rest, when the reality is i rarely even get to the REM stage anymore. it is Grace that rests my soul, that keeps my lips turned into a smile & not a frown, that allows my heart to soften with each sunrise.

& for that i am eternally grateful.
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backwardslight
Date: 2011-01-12 08:26
Subject: ....
Security: Public
Tags:daily life
life with three little ones seems to be going at warp speed... downtime is a hazy memory & when it comes i usually collapse into sleep for however long i am able. it is a beautiful, crazy, hectic, peaceful, rhythmic, full, abundant life & i am so very thankful for it; even though i stink at motherhood more often than not & lose my patience more often than not these days & am learning truly just what patience is... long-suffering. not that i am suffering at all, just learning how to Be. how to be & stay present, how to be & stay focused, how to be & stay an example to follow, how to be & stay determined to work through my own junk, our own junk. it's a full, full life.


in other news, im going to try & document our life a little more. here's to hoping!
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backwardslight
Date: 2010-08-07 08:18
Subject: years
Security: Public
i'm pretty certain i'm having some sort of "ohmygoshimturning THIRTY-FIVE inafewmonths" crisis.

i think it's kind of hilarious & sad all at the same time!
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backwardslight
Date: 2010-07-27 15:08
Subject: vanity
Security: Public
im either going to let my hair go crazy out of control curly messy or cut it all off again.
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February 2011